What a girl wants
Growing up in welfare while feeling everyone’s needs made me grow up with small wishes. Small wishes like having a day with no stress. I didn’t ask for the best products, because I knew we couldn’t afford it. Being an adult now, I can afford the best products. I can buy these things for my kids. And what I used to think of a small wish seems to be one of my biggest wishes nowadays, a day with no stress.
I know and I feel that everything is ok. I’m doing fine. But still there is this voice inside my head that keeps telling me to pursue more. Fine is good. Perfectly fine is better. I grew up with the motto: ‘You can be everything you want’. Do every kind of job you’re happy at. Just make sure you be the best at it. Not try to be the best you can be. JUST BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE. I’m not the best at anything, but I sure as hell always be the best I can be.
Looking at my life I have everything I ever wanted including a loving husband, two wonderful kids. Not to forget all of us being in good health. That’s good enough. And still there is this voice in my head telling me to keep on pursuing perfection, because life is not only about what you need, but it’s also about what you want.
When I was young wanting was a bad thing. So I never wanted anything. I just needed things. Looking at my life I focus a lot on my needs. Not on my wishes. Wanting something or wishing for it is a good thing. It’s good to pursue happiness. Your needs are your basics, your wishes are the extras in life. The (small) things that make your world the best place to be in.
This started with my husband. Ever since I was a young child I would imagine how my future husband would be like. And as I grew older this kind of man seemed out of my league. So I lowered my standards and after a few bad relationships I decided I’d had enough of lowering my standards. Here I was living my life being the best I could be and still feeling unworthy of myself in finding unconditional romantic love. So I made myself a wishlist.
It had at least fifty wishes/demands my perfect man had to live up to. Why fifty? Because it’s important to be as specific in your wishes as one can be. If you’re not specific the universe can misinterpretate your wish. Leaving you with something you didn’t wish for, nor needed.
After making this list I looked at it. I told myself I was worthy of this true love, I was worthy of my wishes and I believed these words. I was loving myself, so at that moment I knew I was worthy of being loved. I met my husband a few weeks later and he lives up to my wishes. Why? Because I’m worth it. Nothing more nothing less.
And even though I experienced a huge success with my wishlist, I still find it hard to wish. Inside me is still that little girl who doesn’t feel comfortable in wanting things, who still feels she’s not worth it. For a very long time this little girl held me back in my growth of becoming the person I want to be.
“I met my husband a few weeks later and he lives up to my wishes. Why? Because I’m worth it. Nothing more nothing less.”
Now I look at this girl as the one who keeps me grounded, when I’m planning to take over the world. Making it a loving place where everyone can live in equality. Starting by myself. Working on my small, but huge wish: Having great days with no (self-inflicted) stress.